That is how I feel right now, and how I've been feeling for a while. I know that those of you who know me are telling me how wrong I am, and that I'm not fat or ugly. And, as much as I appreciate your thoughts, they're not enough to counter the voices in my head.
In fact, I have my own voice telling me the same thing, but for some reason it isn't loud enough. Or, maybe I'm just not listening to it. I don't remember ever feeling this bad about myself, or having such little self esteem. Maybe when I weighed over 200lbs, but that was a long time ago.
My good voice ("Betty" I call her) does try to talk to me. For some reason I can't believe what she tells me. I know that to make her stronger I have to more attention to her and less to that critical voice. (I don't have a name for that bad voice.) That ugly, awful, hurtful voice that is so loud and strong. Betty is more quiet and loving. She's also patient. I think she knows that someday I'll listen to her more carefully and that I'll trust what she's saying. She's not going to push herself on my like the other voice.
I wish she would.
Maybe she doesn't want to take power from me, but is waiting for me to give it to her. Not like the other voice who forces herself on me and takes my power from me. It's strong now because I feel bad, and by feeling bad I'm vulnerable and unable to fight her off. :(
But I think writing this down is Betty's way of helping me put my feelings in order, because it reminds me that she is there and that she doesn't think I'm fat or ugly. She knows I'm not happy but believes that I am strong enough to see things through. She knows that things will get better. She reminds me that I am surrounded by people who love and support me and who think I am worthy of being happy and loved. She's waiting for me to love myself again. Like a seed in the desert, waiting for the rain to come wake it up so it can bloom.
Thinking of her makes me feel peaceful. I'm not fat or ugly in this moment. My rats are playing at my feet and my Froody is working next to me, happy to have me back home after my weekend away. The sun is even out, letting me see that my life is good and that I am good, too.
4 comments:
I like this post. I was thinking along similar lines the other day. This part of me happy, that part not so. Why can't they just get along?
So what is the name of your evil side? :)
After 40+ years of being female, I have come to the conclusion that we are all insane. Definitely multiple personalities. All competing, all the time. There's the inner superwoman, who thinks she can do it all and has a tough time accepting failure. There's the instinctive cave woman who refuses to accept logic and reason. There's Miss Bitch who calls us names we do not need to hear. There are also the 'Betty's, who tend to be more helpful and kind. I think most of the time, these ladies (and all their sisters) get along well, and we function just fine - giving us a push here and pull there, etc. It gives a good balance - a foundation with depth, which makes us complex enough to be flexible and the good multi-taskers women tend to be. But every so often, one of the crowd gets a bit bossy, and life gets off kilter for awhile... until the girls settle things and off we go again.
Thanks for the comment. Glad to know I'm not crazy. (Or am not alone with my craziness!) I don't know why my ugly voice has been so loud. It has been stressful this year, so that's probably it.
Hey Danielle, something about this post feels really poignant to me, and so graceful. Thank you for writing and sharing it. If you and Tim ever need a break from the Menlo grind, we'd always love to see you down in SB. -Karen
Being a teenager, it is sort of bonding in a way to realize that women of all ages share the same frustrations. I'm sort of at that point too; of wanting to really grasp my self worth permanently. I hope we can do it together!
Best of wishes.
LittleDisney
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