Monday, September 7, 2009

Back to School

Yup, back in the saddle again, as the song says. I feel just like a first year teacher and those of you who teach know exactly how SUCKY a feeling that is.

I feel like I have no bottom, that I'm falling and all I can do is hope to land on my feet. Over and over again.

I feel like I have no past, just newness in front of me. I don't know why all my past experience has left me. I guess taking a year off from work will do that.

I have to learn again. Where to put the projector. How to make copies. How to grade papers. How to pass papers back. How to talk to students. How to open up a can of whoop-ass. So much learning.

I don't like my kids. But, I never like them before Thanksgiving (sometimes Christmas, sometimes Spring Break).

Things keep popping up. A bunch of "oh, yeah" moments.

I keep wondering if someone's parent is going to call me out on something. I wonder if my contract will be renewed next year. Why am I thinking all these negative thoughts? I need to give myself permission to mess up and realize that when I do (no "if" about it) the world will not end.

A part of me is cringing, curled up in a ball and won't let me help myself. Won't let me be positive about teaching again, about learning how to challenge those in my classroom, won't let me enjoy the other happy staff members.

I don't know why I can't just relax and breathe. But, writing this out has made me feel a bit better.

For now, at least.

2 comments:

Karen said...

Wait, wait, what's this about the first year of teaching sucking hard? Don't tell me that... :)

Hi! I'm Janola. said...

LOL. Sad, but true. It's your hardest year. You have to become familiar with the curriculum, the school environment, the kids, how to do this and how to do that. And, you're still learning how to teach! There's a lot going on!

It does get better, though. Today wasn't so bad. I don't think I had a "good" day during my first year until sometime after Christmas break.