Is It Just Me???

While wandering around the internet I found an ad for Bonobos which looks like a fancy-pants men's store. It's got pics of good-looking guys in khakis and polo shirts, posing in expensive flip-flops.

But when I think of bonobos, I think of chimps. Seriously, doesn't everyone think of monkeys when they hear that word? Why would you name your male shi-shi company after a bunch of chimpanzees? Maybe it's just me, but the word "bonobo" does not make me think of adventures with a man wearing madras shorts. It makes me think of the only non-human animal that has face-to-face sex.

hmmmm.....sex.... Maybe the company's PR people did know what they were doing.

Fat and Ugly

That is how I feel right now, and how I've been feeling for a while. I know that those of you who know me are telling me how wrong I am, and that I'm not fat or ugly. And, as much as I appreciate your thoughts, they're not enough to counter the voices in my head.

In fact, I have my own voice telling me the same thing, but for some reason it isn't loud enough. Or, maybe I'm just not listening to it. I don't remember ever feeling this bad about myself, or having such little self esteem. Maybe when I weighed over 200lbs, but that was a long time ago.

My good voice ("Betty" I call her) does try to talk to me. For some reason I can't believe what she tells me. I know that to make her stronger I have to more attention to her and less to that critical voice. (I don't have a name for that bad voice.) That ugly, awful, hurtful voice that is so loud and strong. Betty is more quiet and loving. She's also patient. I think she knows that someday I'll listen to her more carefully and that I'll trust what she's saying. She's not going to push herself on my like the other voice.

I wish she would.

Maybe she doesn't want to take power from me, but is waiting for me to give it to her. Not like the other voice who forces herself on me and takes my power from me. It's strong now because I feel bad, and by feeling bad I'm vulnerable and unable to fight her off. :(

But I think writing this down is Betty's way of helping me put my feelings in order, because it reminds me that she is there and that she doesn't think I'm fat or ugly. She knows I'm not happy but believes that I am strong enough to see things through. She knows that things will get better. She reminds me that I am surrounded by people who love and support me and who think I am worthy of being happy and loved. She's waiting for me to love myself again. Like a seed in the desert, waiting for the rain to come wake it up so it can bloom.

Thinking of her makes me feel peaceful. I'm not fat or ugly in this moment. My rats are playing at my feet and my Froody is working next to me, happy to have me back home after my weekend away. The sun is even out, letting me see that my life is good and that I am good, too.